This is me, as a baby. It was 1970, and I guess I was only a few months old.
I’ve said it before here on the blog… I’ve never wanted children. I don’t have children. I am honestly not all that interested in other people’s children until those children are able to speak for themselves. This means that I don’t hold babies, I generally don’t coo over babies, and I don’t particularly get into talking about the everyday stuff that happens with babies. Once a child can interact in a language I can understand, then I can manage interest… this usually happens around the age of two or three. Even then, there is only so much interest I can hold in a small child. I don’t babysit, and I find it difficult when people’s lives revolve almost completely around their children.
I have said on here before the things that have been levelled at me for not being a parent – selfishness, not being a ‘real’ person, not understanding the meaning of life… However, I have a number of reasons why I should not be compelled to bring children into my world. The top one is that I don’t have a maternal instinct. I’ve covered this before in another posting so I won’t go over it again. There is a variety of aspects attached to not having a maternal instinct: I don’t feel a ‘pull’ (as it is described to me by maternal women) towards interacting with other people’s children; I don’t feel that I need to help other parents (I think I’d only make the problem worse); I don’t particularly want to see photos of babies… to me they are not cute. I was about to apologise for that one, but I won’t – I don’t see why I should. What I see when I look at photos of babies is a round, red pooping and spewing machine. I don’t find that cute, and that is a product of no maternal instinct. I do understand why people like photos of babies, especially if they are photos of friends’ babies. I don’t.
Beside the lack of maternal instinct, I don’t think that bringing a child into my world is a good move, for me or the child. I’ve lived an … interesting… life, and bringing a child into that would have been downright irresponsible. I told my mother once that if I had children, it wouldn’t be long before Child Services took them away and they ended up in the foster system. She told me that would never happen, but only because she would take on the responsibility for my children. It was clear to me that both my mother and I understood that I was not the kind of person who should have children. And I can now hear parents all over the world saying things like ‘oh, it’s different once you’ve had them, you settle down, you become more responsible’… True, many people do. I do not believe that would have happened for me. My life was far too out of control.
So why else would it have been bad for me and the child? Well, to be blunt, I have not always made good choices when it came to men. I’ve had some brilliant boyfriends, and some absolute shockers. Knowing me, if I had wanted children, I would have made the mistake of having them with the worst men… and then those men would have had to be part of my life and the child’s life forever. No. Just one example: one of my boyfriends was so abusive he chased me clear across the country and I ended up having to flee to Europe just to get away from him. This guy was one of the reasons I ended up changing my name. Last year, I was told by an old friend that this ex of mine was asking about me (after 21 years of no contact), where I was, what I was doing… luckily for me this old friend is a smart bugger and told the ex that they’d had no contact with me for years. When I was told all of this, I went through weeks of hyper-vigilance and fright. I could not imagine how bad it would be if he were the father of my child.
There are other reasons, but I think those are the two biggest ones.
I think I’ll stick with dogs – it’s much more simple.
I think it is sad that you have to justify your choices, your situation, and your experiences to other people who feel they have the right to judge you. I feel exactly the same way except I made the choice to have a son. While I love him dearly and do what I have to do, I don’t feel maternal at all and I struggle around other babies. I play online video games so I don’t have to be one of those yummy mummies with the stick figures plastered on the back of my 4 wheel drive, standing around bitching about other mum’s kids. Having a child with a disability has probably made me more bitter about being a mum – since I’ve been forced to care for him (though he is now becoming more independent so I am lucky). I have not been in paid employment since I was pregnant in 2001. Who is going to hire someone who has to have every school holiday off or has to leave at a moment’s notice when the shit hits the fan, or for the medical appointments? Even the volunteer job I had, I had to quit as I felt I was letting them down. I would love to run away and escape and have a life. I don’t have family nearby I can just leave him with. Already I’m stressing that in May when the new Star Trek is released that my partner and I won’t be able to use the Gold Class passes that we were given as I can’t leave my son alone in the house.
I think you were very smart to make the correct choice for you, and no one has the right to judge you for it. I’ve made my bed and I will lie in it but I do wish I had have been as clever and self aware as you.
Hi Sue. You should be congratulated on raising a child with difficulties. From what I have seen of parenting, it is hard enough to raise children who have no disabilities.
I sometimes feel that people judge me for being child-free because they see it as a duty to society somehow to have children. I see it as a blessing to society that I didn’t…
Whether by choice or circumstance or interference by others, ones life, lived, is something one shouldn’t be expected to account for against the so called dominant shared experiences of the communities we belong to.
I often think what my life could have been like with and without children, and though I do love them greatly, I think they would at times gladly exchange me for a different model, or rather purchase different faculties to the ones I am equipped with. Little less grumpy dad, little more manually adept dad, with interchangeable intuitiveness for trouble and misbehaviour (i.e., able to be switched on to read a situation when help is needed, and switched off, when wanting said situation to slide through to the keeper.) For me, I think of Patagonia and Morroco and all those interesting places I have never travelled to, and now am only likely to see from a tour bus, and not a backpack….and whereas then I would gladly have done it alone, now i find doing it alone unsettling, I would want my partner with me, (except South American Glaciers and Marrakesh Souks are not on her itinerary
…).
I am content with my choice to have children, I am slightly ashamed that I probably pushed my ex-wife to have children when she was uncertain, and that she feels her refusal to have more than 1 child is the reason we separated. That said, my current partner and I and all our children including my eldest from my previous relationship have really strong and loving bonds and that works for us. I don’t expect others to share that enthusiasm, and I don’t mind if they say they don’t want to share that experience, but the only time I struggle with it is when i read that breast-feeding or crying children should be forbidden from public places or transport….
I agree with you on many levels there. Especially the part about feeling the need to explain oneself. It gets very tiring to have to do so, or have the expectations of society on your head simply because you are female. It’s not often I hear men complain of having to explain their child-free status… but that’s an argument for another day.
I have had relationships end because of my feelings on being child free. It is always a shame when that happens.
I also do not expect people to be as enthusiastic about my child free status, and I don’t mind if people state that they don’t want to share that experience, but I do struggle when people assume that I am interested in seeing multiple photos of their children, or I should be interested in the fact that little Jamie has finally sat on the potty…
Just for the record: I don’t think that breastfeeding or crying children should be banned from public spaces or transport. And again, I have felt the need to state that, as I have found many people believe that child-free people hate children…
I wonder actually how many people who complain about crying and feeding children in public have children, and are being reminded they have child free time and how enjoyable it is
so maybe I shouldn’t have conflated the 2 experiences. a former colleague who had no children and seemed to struggle to interact at any level with her peers, was absolutely brilliant with children. I must admit, I am always wary of assuming people are interested in seeing happy snaps, or hearing the gruesome details of Gastro, but hey even the queen over-shares that stuff these days, I much preferred it when we wondered about fart absorbing undies and ….oops there I go 
Hang on… fart-absorbing undies? That’s not just for children! That would be so handy at film festivals…
I have to say that I do see and hear plenty of parents who frown on other people’s crying or feeding children – it seems to be some form of competition to some people: ‘I’m a better parent, my child doesn’t cry in public’, with superior attitude intact. Having said that, the child-free can be just as superior-minded… I was reading the blog of a proudly child-free person who stated that child-free people are more environmentally aware and less selfish than parents. It’s rubbish.
I think we all over-share when it comes to the things we achieve and are proud of – I know that people don’t all want to hear about my latest travels, or the research I’m interested in…