Children… I don’t want children.
When I was 16, I walked into the doctor’s office and asked if I could have all my bits removed because I didn’t want children. I was told that I would get over that, that I didn’t know my own mind yet, and that someday that clock would start ticking. I’m 42 years old and still waiting for the clock to be installed. I don’t quite know where my clock got to, but it’s not there. I have this vague idea that I was off at a rock concert on the day they were given out…
The thing is that over the years I’ve been told the most stunning things because of my complete lack of maternal instinct: that I am not complete; that I’m not a ‘real’ woman; that I will never know ‘real’ love; that it’s just a phase I’m going through; that I am somehow less of a person; that I am selfish; that I am a threat to other women; that I will never know how the joys of raising children would enrich my life well beyond anything I could ever experience as a child-free person. The only one of these I would consider as being possibly true is that it is just a phase. I used to become quite upset when people told me it was ‘just a phase’, and I would tell them that I didn’t like fish fingers either but they don’t tell me that’s just a phase… and then I realised that for many women, it IS a phase. I realised that it was perfectly logical for people to think that one day I would change my mind. It happens all the time that women don’t want children in their 20s or even their 30s and then later, the clock starts ticking. So, fair enough I think, I’ll give you that one. Thankfully, at the age of 42, people have finally stopped saying that one.
The other ones, however, I take exception to. I won’t go into the long and rambling rant about how I am a fulfilled person, and I have plenty of wonderful things in my life, and how ‘dare they’ force hegemonic conceptualisations of womanhood on me. What I will say is this: I don’t have a maternal instinct when it comes to human babies. Give me a puppy, and I go all gaga, give me a human child, and I am befuddled. I have no idea what to do with a human child, and I have no inclination to learn. I used to say that not having children was my choice. I’m not so sure it was a choice. I didn’t choose to not be maternal, just as other women do not choose to have screaming biological clocks. Does that really make it a choice? If so, then I think I made the most sensible choice for the future of any poor child I might have forced upon the world. I wouldn’t fancy growing up with a mother with no maternal instinct, so I don’t think it’s responsible for me to have children under those circumstances.
I hear many child-free people rant at parents for various things, one of the most recent things is ‘why should I pay for your children to (insert thing here)’… it’s usually to do with tax breaks that parents get, or school bonuses, or baby bonuses, or something the government gives out to parents. Let me tell you why we should do these things for parents: children are the future of our country and as a community, we need to look after all of the members of the community and give each and every one of them the best chances and opportunities they can have. It really is that simple. I am one of these child-free people who wants to go to the government and shout at them that they need to invest more money into public education. I want to scream at them that child-care costs are far too high, and a disincentive to women returning to work. I want to yell at them that single parents have it difficult enough as it is without removing money from their households. Maybe I’m odd, I don’t know.
In any case, children are not for me. They never have been, they never will be. And be glad – seriously, you wouldn’t want someone like me trying to raise a child. There are enough fucked up people in this world already.
I can’t believe people actually say that stuff! That’s outrageous! I think it must be nice to KNOW you don’t want kids so you have no regrets etc as you can just get on with your life. Most women don’t have that luxury as they have to figure in if/when/with who to have kids. Sorry I’m rambling, great post
Well, I don’t know whether it is ‘nice’ to know… it just exists as that. I can see your point, however in that some people shouldn’t have children but do, and some people can’t work out whether they want children or not. At least for me, there was no question about it.
I never wanted children either. I can barely stand adults, so I don’t know why the junior members of the human race would be more appealing.
I was told by my parents it was my biological duty and purpose. I was convinced by my husband to have children because he would be there to support me, despite my asseverations that I didn’t like babies, self-centered toddlers, children or teenagers (teens scare me, to be honest).
I was told it was just a phase because I didn’t know the joy of parenthood. I was laughed at for asking if I could give them back if I didn’t like them.
I was serious.
I am continually being told, “But you love them, don’t you?” (to which I reply “Only because I have to”) or “Oh, we all have bad moments, but they’ll pass.” Really? When?
Now my husband is dead. My parents have abandoned me and I am stuck with 3 kids I never wanted, feel obliged to tell people I love but really wish I didn’t have, and I am battling the after-effects of a debilitating auto-immune disease, all the while trying to put a good face on it.
I am raising my children because I have to, not because I feel any maternal need to or feel any particular attachment to do so.
If someone better than me came and asked to have them, I would be happy to release them, move into a smaller house with my cats, dogs and fish and be very happy.
I admire your stance and wIsh I could have stayed as firmly resolved.
I am sure snakes make wonderful pets but I know I don’t want one.
Duty? Sorry to say it this way, but we don’t live in Victorian times… why do they think there is a duty? A duty to whom? Odd thing to say.
As for purpose… just because something has a function doesn’t mean it has to be used for only that function, or even for that function at all. I don’t agree that women’s ‘purpose’ in life is restricted to having to have children. I know many women (and men) who find that having children gives them purpose in life, and that they feel their purpose was to have children, but that doesn’t mean that every person has the same purpose.
I am sorry that all of these horrible things have happened to you, leonie68. I have no words of wisdom or silly cliches to tell you… I cannot imagine how you feel about your situation, and all I can do is hope that you can find a way through all of this.
I am not sure that this is a stance… I used to think that it was, and I guess in some ways it is. I do tell prospective partners that I do not want children, and if they do want children they will need to find someone else. I have had some people leave at that point (fair enough), and some stay. Some have gotten a couple of years down the road and then told me they want children… to which I say that we negotiated this att he start, and I have not changed my mind on the matter – they then tend to leave as well. So I guess that part of it is a stance… and I have never backed down on that one simply because I really do not think that I am suited to being a mother… without a maternal instinct, it is useless…
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